I was listening to the Happier podcast [unfortunately I can’t find the episode number anymore] and they gave the advice of describing a situation as if it’s entirely your fault (particularly when you believe you did nothing wrong). I used this towards something I’m going through and found it to be very powerful and cleansing. Your mileage may vary, but it’s worth a try. Just don’t beat yourself up over it!
Please note: This tactic is not meant to be used in situations of serious abuse. It is more appropriate for disagreements where nothing illegal was done.
We’re all the main character in the “movie” that is our lives. Too often we see ourselves as victims. The problem with playing the role of a victim is that we take away our control and responsibility. Additionally, everyone has different perspectives and thinks differently, and you might not exhibit yourself as clearly as you think you do. It’s so hard to see things from other people’s perspectives, even if we know them well. We also live in a society where having and expressing feelings is largely frowned upon. Men especially are taught to not show emotion. The result of these societal pressures is that we do not know how to handle our emotions in a healthy way. We tend towards pushing down and avoiding our emotions. This can lead to depression, anxiety, and/or outbursts of anger. Sometimes people will turn to alcohol, drugs, casual sex, etc. for quick highs and to numb the pain, but they’re left with the same or worse low after.
I felt so victimized in my situation and it had me so hurt and feeling self righteous that I had done everything perfectly. When I looked back at the situation, which helpfully was mostly over text, with an eye of what was my fault, I realized so many things I could have done better. I let my hurt get the best of me and said very hurtful things about the person’s character, which is very damaging. I should have been better about setting boundaries and articulating my needs before I got to a snapping point. I could have been more understanding of the other person and the battle and demons that they were fighting and been more patient with that process while still maintaining my boundaries.
Bottom line, it really does take two to tango. No one is ever in the complete right or complete wrong. We’re all humans trying to figure out this life thing. We all make mistakes and miscommunicate or act rashly because of our fears. We need to all try to be nicer to each other and to ourselves. Together we can grow into better versions of ourselves and stop passing around hurt.
Your Turn: Let me know if you tried this method of a describing a situation as if it was entirely your fault and how it went for you!